CHAPTER NINE

Although what I had said was quite true, I had not really given up the fight. Mrs Grose and I agreed that the best thing was to keep calm. If we could not save the children, we might at least be able to save ourselves.

Later that night, Mrs Grose and I met again in my bedroom. She was still feeling a little unsure about what or whom I had really seen. But I regained her confidence by describing very specific details about the appearance of the man and woman. Right away, she recognized them, as if looking at a picture. Still, I could see that in her heart she wanted not to think about it any more. I was nice to her and said that it was possible I might one day lose my fear of them and be able to live just as I had before. In truth, I was less afraid for myself than I was for the safety of the children.

Earlier in the day, after my talk with Mrs Grose about seeing Miss Jessel at the lake, I went back to join the children in the classroom. Being around them always made me feel so much better. No matter what was wrong with me, I could sit down with Flora or Miles and they would know just what to do to stop my pain. This time it was Flora that I talked with. As soon as she saw me, she said, "You've been crying." Although I had done my best to cover up the redness of my eyes and face with make-up, I was happy that she could see my sadness. I felt a little guilty looking into her beautifully innocent face and wondering to myself, "Is there really something bad underneath all of that sweetness? Could this be some cruel joke that nature has played?" I decided to dismiss the question for the moment. It felt wrong for me to doubt Flora's goodness.

However, I still had to research our earlier experience at the lake in order to get to the truth. I needed to know if I had been right in thinking that Flora and Miss Jessel had been in contact before today. It had been difficult for me to tell Mrs Grose about the experience at the lake. It was difficult because my explanation of things made Flora seem like a bad child. There was no doubt in my mind that she had seen the woman and that she was pretending not to have seen her. And it bothered me to see her having to hide it even more when I came close to her. She would begin to sing a song to herself or she would act like she was more interested in a toy than she really was in order to make me think she had not seen or heard me.

But in the end, I felt that I would need to come out and ask her, because it was the right thing to do. It would make me feel better, even if I knew she was lying. I would then know in my heart that I had not given up and that I was doing the right thing. I was still trying to help. I was not running away.

However, I needed more information from Mrs Grose. Although she had told me a lot about the people I had seen and their past, I still felt that she was keeping secrets. I felt the need to get the last bit of knowledge out of her before I could know exactly what to do.

"Do you remember when I first came here we had a short talk about Miles?" I asked her one evening, "We had just received the news that he had been dismissed from his school. I asked if he were ever a bad child and you answered that he occasionally was bad. I, myself, have never once seen him do anything wrong. He's like an angel with me. What kind of things did you see him do in the past? Tell me exactly what you know."

"Well ... " Mrs Grose began, obviously uncomfortable with what she had to say, "There was a time when master Miles spent all of his time with Quint. I was so upset by this that I even went to Miss Jessel and complained about it. She told me, very rudely, to mind my own business. I was very surprised to hear her say this. I, however, could not mind my own business. I then spoke directly with Miles and asked him to remember his family's level in society. I said that he should not spend his time with people of so low a class and education."

"So you told him that Quint was the wrong person for him to be friends with?" I asked.

"Exactly. And it troubled me, what the boy did after that."

"He went and told Quint what you had said," I interrupted trying to guess at what had happened.

"No, nothing like that. I don't think he ever mentioned our conversation to that man. No. What troubled me so much was the way that the boy would not admit he had been with Quint. And you should have heard his answer to me!"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that he lied to my face. I knew for a fact that he had been alone with Quint several times and for several hours each time. It was almost like Quint had become his teacher, instead of Miss Jessel. When I asked Miles about this, he looked me right in the eyes and said that he had never spent such time with the man."

"My goodness! How could he just lie to you like that? It was obvious that you had seen them together!

"Well ... " Mrs Grose said, meaning to suggest that it was forgivable, "Miss Jessel allowed it to happen. I think she might have even encouraged it! She's really the one to blame, not Miles."

"Did he suggest that it was Miss Jessel's idea?" I asked.

"No, of course not."

"He didn't ever talk about her relationship with Quint?"

"He just lied all the time. He acted like he knew nothing about it."

"You mean that you were certain that he knew about their relationship?" I yelled, getting suddenly very angry.

"No, I didn't! I promise I didn't!"

"Now I think that you're the one who's lying! You're still not telling me what you really know. Drop this need to be proper and polite with me and just tell me the truth. Tell me everything! Something about Miles made you think that he knew something about Quint and Miss Jessel's relationship."

"He ... " she began weakly.

"He could not, in his young innocence, hide that he knew something. My God! Just think of the terrible influence those two horrible people had on that boy. I'm afraid to think of the things he knew about them! It's not proper at all! It's disgusting! Just think of the kind of person he must be now!"

"Let's not say anything too mean about the boy."

"I see now why you seemed so unusual when I mentioned his dismissal from school!"

"I'm sure you looked much more unusual than I did. Anyway, how can you think that he was such a bad child, when he's been nothing but good since you've known him?"

"Exactly! What had he done at school? We don't know!" I replied. "Tell me exactly what Miles said to you when you approached him about Quint. When you described Quint as a low, uneducated man, did the boy say that you were no better than he?"

"Yes. He did."

"And did this anger you and make you care less about him?"

"It did anger me, but I forgave him. He's only a little boy, after all."

"Yes, of course. Anyway, he was with that man ... "

"And Flora was with Miss Jessel. Everyone seemed to be happy."

I could not be sure about anything yet, but everything I was learning about the children's relationships with Quint and their former teacher seemed to point to something quite ugly.

"Although, I expected to hear about much worse behavior than just lying, I do still feel the need to watch Miles a little more closely now."

I could see in Mrs Grose's face that she felt pity for Miles. She pitied him even more now because I doubted his goodness. "Please, don't blame him."

"I only blame him for keeping secrets. Until I know more about what's going on, I won't blame him any further. We'll just have to wait and see what happens."

(end of section)